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Insomniac thread - Only real insomniacs need apply

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I'm watching a show about a man with elastic skin putting clothes pegs on his face. What is this ITV2?!

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Six posts in a row made during the correct time, H-Block will be loving this.

 

It's going to be Germany, France, Spain, or Brazil isn't it? Looks like you'll just have to sit through your 'On the Buses' box set a second time pretending not to have seen it :(

 

Didn't Bev get a job working for Forest or something? and that's why he stopped posting. Of course he could have just rejoined under a different name. Maybe he did :unsure: Don't know what became of J-Bag, he just vanished. I just googled him and he's on Twitter so he's still about at least. Unless his abductor posts as him to give the impression of normality while he remains chained up in their shed.

 

I remember Substitue Daz, I think he turned up when you were missing for a bit so it's possible you never noticed. He has nearly 700 profile views. In terms of views per post he's got to be the most popular person on here.

 

I think that covers everything. I'm not sure what to say about the pegs on face thing :worried_anim:

 

maxresdefault.jpg

Edited by Art Vandelay

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My forest team as it stands for next season...

Gk - Pantillimon

Df - Darwickwa, Dawson, Figueiredo, Robinson

Mf - Cash, Bridcutt, Carvahlo

FW - Dias, Grabban, Lolley

 

Bench: Henderson, Evitmov, Kapino, Smith, Mancienne, Traore, Lam, Fox, Worrall, Fuentes, Guedioura, Watson, Osborn, Yates, Mckay, Ariyibi, Clough, Ward, Murphy, Cummings, Soudani, Brereton, Vellios

 

Might need a bigger bench...

Edited by Daz

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Look at that squad :arrowhead: Enough players to put out three teams. Three bottom third teams. Although I don't even know who some of them are to be honest.

 

I've taken no notice at all of Forest since last season finished. Would you, or someone, like to bring me up to date? Pantilimon and Dawson have signed then? Don't rate them at all. Who are Robinson, Diaz, and Soudani? :blush02:

 

It's going to be Germany, France, Spain, or Brazil isn't it?

 

:worried_anim: :worried_anim:

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As I've been up since 4am I'm going to post here :cool04:

 

To be fair I don't know much about the players either. Soudani is a highly rated striker from the Croatia league, hoping to follow in the proud footsteps of other north african and middle eastern players who have played for Forest.

 

Robinson is a left back from QPR. I think he had a fairly decent season for them last year.

 

Dias spent last year on loan at Fiorentina. Nottingham seemed like an obvious step. He is following the well trodden path of a Jorge Mendes client from the Portugal U21 squad to a second division midlands club.

 

I probably wouldn't have taken Dawson back but to be fair i think Pantillimon could be a great signing. The times I saw him last season he looked very good. The best keeper we've had for a long time.

 

You shouldn't feel that bad about your prediction. France look nailed on now.

Edited by Daz

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Thanks for the update. Oh, it's that Robinson, that's a relief. I was thinking it was going to be that one who used to play for West Brom and is about 40. I believe this Robinson was quite highly rated as a youngster but what was the point in signing Fuentes then? That's four left backs now, it's like we're trying to make up for all those seasons when we didn't have any.

 

Never heard of Soudani but a 30 years old Algerian who's never played in England, or any major league before, joining a club that plays with one up front and has about ten forwards already sounds fine, what could possibly go wrong with that? I've not seen much of Pantilimon for Forest but whenever I saw him at Sunderland or Man City I always thought he was a bit of a donkey.

I've just had my first look in the Forest section in ages and it feels a bit like I've stumbled into a parallel universe. It's like everyone gets their memory wiped between seasons or something, I'm watching Forest still doing the same stupid things they've been doing for the last ten years but other people are going 'These new owners are great' 'I think were going up this season' 'so different to Fawaz' etc as though something entirely different is going on. Odd.

 

Seeing your avatar had changed was a bit disorientating, Although I never really knew what the old one was.....

 

worst-book-covers-titles-56.jpg

Edited by Art Vandelay

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Good evening Gents... I have to tell you about a complete disaster I had today. The kind of thing that makes me think I should just give up at being an adult.

It started on Friday when I noticed a dead pigeon in our back garden, I bagged it up in a bin liner and put it in our general waste wheelie bin. I opened the bin today and it was like opening the gates of hell. The stench was revolting and the inside of the black bin was white through the sheet volume of maggots

So my solution was to put shit loads of bleach into the bin to gas them out. Then after an hour I fished the bin liner out with a garden fork and threw it over the back fence (which backs onto an undergrowth/field area). I then walked around to and put the bin liner into a near by dog shit bin. God knows what my neighbours would have thought, it is exactly what I would have done if I had killed someone and wanted to hide a body, so was half expecting to be stopped and asked what I was doing.

Once I got back I didn't fancy my dinner, it was way too soon to have prawns.

I'm sure this is one of the reasons my wife doesn't leave me on my own that often 😎

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What a charming story. I've disposed of a few bodies in my time and my general rule is that anything larger than a mouse gets a burial, things around mouse size get rolled under the hedge, only the very small or things with under 50% of their body remaining go in the bin. The only drawback is I don't really remember where I buried things so there's always the possibility of uncovering something revolting. 

Once there was pigeon smeared all over the driveway in a quite spectacularly grotesque scene and I couldn't face dealing with it so just left it and the next day it was totally gone. 

Which has reminded my of this event which I'll share here......I've had an old broken barbecue hanging around outside for ages not really knowing what to do with it and my mum said "just leave it outside and the rag and bone man will take it". I thought I don't think so because it's not 1948 but I left it outside and someone did indeed take it away. Who knew that was a thing :huh:

 

Funny, Pigeon, and Yup: "I've failed all my exams, but the  pigeons accepted me as their  leader so have that going for me" Yup ðð

 

Edited by Art Vandelay

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I don't usually remember dreams but I kept getting woken up the other night so I remember this one. I was with three friends who I don't know in real life and we went round to this other friend's house who I also don't know in real life. We sat around chatting for a bit and then she rocked up with four syringes full of heroin. I didn't have mine and then I woke up. Fuck knows what that was all about.

It's a bit early for this but as it involves oddities in the night.

Edited by Charlie Cheswick

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I have a standard dream where I'm lead into an odd situation and get increasingly provoked to the point where I have to kill someone. It usually features an odd mix of people from my past I haven't thought about in years and minor celebrities I've seen on tv recently.

A favourite example is appearing on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and doing well until I got the question "What's the best song ever?". I went for what I knew to be the correct answer - 'Violent Mood Swings' by Stabbing Westward* but Tarrant ruled it wrong and declared it was something or other by, I think, Steps. I can't remember the details but I refused to accept I was wrong, not because the question made no sense and there wasn't a correct answer but because I was definitely right. Tarrant was refusing to even discuss it properly and kept making stupid jokes at my expense to get cheap laughs from the audience.

This went on for some time until eventually I simply beat him to death. What I like best about the dream was that it wasn't from my point of view at the time but from my point of view at home watching this happen on television. So not only had there been no repercussions from openly murdering Chris Tarrant but that itv had decided to just broadcast the episode as normal :)

Image result for chris tarrant

* I don't actually believe this to be the best song ever, although I do feel it was the best from the four options provided at the time.

 

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As dreams has come up I'm going to take this opportunity to post this again which I liked by former camgirl, sexy mime, and gnome enthusiast Aella. People should probably follow her on twitter, if only for the polls.

"When I was a child, I was terrified that when I grew up I would forget what it was like to be a child. I saw adults, all of whom I knew had once been children, ignoring my attempts to communicate that things were very important to me, or offhandedly giving me torturous punishments and remaining unaffected by my pleas. I knew they never ever would have treated me like this if they’d remembered what it was like to be a child, and I was terrified that I would become the same one day and do the same to my children.

So I sent myself mental letters. I knew I would forget my experiences, so I imprinted messages with a stamp of “this is incredibly important even if you don’t feel it anymore” I ritualistically would recall these messages and honor their importance in order to preserve them across time and my growing up. This is how now, I have ‘messages’ in my mind from my past self, saying things like “children are real humans and their pain is real” and “don’t underestimate how important things are to children.”

I don’t remember my dreams very well, and when I, right now, remember being in a dream, it is vague, unreal, and like the images flicker out beneath me. If you asked me if being in a dream is as real as real life, I would say no, not really.

Except I have messages, the same sort my child self sent to my adult self. The messages say “I know I am in a dream, but this is no less real than your every day life. These sensations are real. I can feel pain, cold, hunger, joy. I am looking around at the room and it is the same. Do not forget this.”

The most vivid thing I take out of my dreams is that message, and that really freaks me out".

Image result for aella mime

 

In other news, would anyone like to recommend a broadband provider? Sky has gone shit :thumbsdown_anim:

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On 10/9/2018 at 3:20 AM, Art Vandelay said:

A favourite example is appearing on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and doing well until I got the question "What's the best song ever?". I went for what I knew to be the correct answer - 'Violent Mood Swings' by Stabbing Westward*...

* I don't actually believe this to be the best song ever, although I do feel it was the best from the four options provided at the time.

 

:lol: Amazing account of your dream, Art. I thought the song Violent Mood Swings rang a bell, so I gave it a listen on youtube and realised that a version of it appeared on the soundtrack to the film Clerks. Enjoy:

 

I've also had some intense dreams over the years that would make art house short films in themselves. Next time I get a decent one I'll have to post an account on here.

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Yeah, I think I'd watched a different Kevin Smith film before going to sleep so my brain had made the connection, that's the sort of thing it gets up to when I hand over control while I'm asleep.

On the subject of dreams, I was surprised to see Jennifer Saunders presenting 'Have I Got News For You' the other day because I was under the impression she was dead. She isn't. However, I clearly remember seeing on the news that she'd died and people were coming on talking about her and everything. I can only assume I must have dreamed all this. What an odd, and slightly disturbing, thing to dream.

In other news I'm finally back online after weeks of trying to get my phone line fixed. I've marked my return to the forum in the best way possible - with a rant about David Platt. It's just like old times....

Image result for jennifer saunders

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Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.

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Jack in the box coffin! At the funeral the casket is closed, but its rigged up to a pressure plate on the floor. When mourners walk close the coffin, they step on the pressure plate which triggers the casket to suddenly spring open triggering the confetti/glitter canon within which showers everyone within a 5 foot radius.

The corpse is also inside the casket, which may or may not be on a pneumatic lift that causes the body to sit up right as the casket springs open,

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Why is one of the tags for this thread 'get banged'? I think I may have missed something :unsure:

Edited by Art Vandelay

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