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A couple are driving home one night when they run over a badger. They pull over and find the creature is still breathing but freezing cold. The man says "put it between your legs to warm it up a bit" "but its all wet and it stinks" says the wife. The husband replies

 

Well hold the fucking badgers nose then

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Clive says to his friends ''why don't we start a band up?''

 

Ursula says ''that's a good idea!''

 

Nigel says ''Yeah, we could call ourselves after our names like ABBA did''

 

Tracey reckons it's a terrible idea.

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A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home he asks the driver if he would be a witness for 100 quid as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act.

 

The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man.

 

The husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the man's head and goes you are dead you ****

 

And the wife shouted, "Don't do it, you have to listen. This man has been funding our lifestyle I dont really have a high paying job. Who do you think paid for the Porsche I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, who do you think paid for the holiday to the Caribbean?

 

The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said

 

What should I do mate, whats should I do?

 

The cabbie said, "I'd cover him up before he fucking catches cold if I was you

Edited by E R

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Fucking speeding fine through the post today when I was caught doing 77mph on the m42. Apparently it had a 60mph limit. Jobsworths

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Fucking speeding fine through the post today when I was caught doing 77mph on the m42. Apparently it had a 60mph limit. Jobsworths

 

That's the least funny joke I've ever heard Savo? Where's the punchline?

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That's the least funny joke I've ever heard Savo? Where's the punchline?

:lol:

 

An Irishman goes to a builder's yard to buy a ladder.

"how long do you want it?" asks the builder's merchant.

"I want to keep it" replied the Irishman.

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A fireman climbs up to the bedroom window of a burning house and sees a gorgeous blonde needing help.

 

"You're the second pregnant blonde I've rescued this year" he tells her

 

"I'm not pregnant" she replies

 

"You're not rescued yet either!"

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Talking of gorgeous blondes, I approached one in a supermarket yesterday and told her that I'd lost my wife and would she mind talking to me for a couple of minutes...

 

"Whys that?" She asked

 

"Coz every time I start talking to a gorgeous woman my wife appears from nowhere!"

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It’s my scouse mates birthday tomorrow so as a surprise I put 20 quid in his Nans purse

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A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the £200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers £20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'

  • Haha 1

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One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."

  • Haha 1

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A man sees a sign outside a house:

'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.

"Yes!" The Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story!"

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid!" The owner says.

"£10? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying cunt. He's never been out of the back garden!"

  • Haha 3

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What is the best Christmas present in the World?
A broken drum - you just can't beat it.

Did Rudolph go to school?
No, he was elf tought

:mellow:

 

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