Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
Mwa

Jokes post yours here

Recommended Posts

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy.

 

A passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car" replies the man.

 

"That's not a problem" replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me try rubbing my bum on the door".

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in it letting the man try - it might be worth a laugh.

The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the driver's door.

Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"It's easy" replies the pedestrian...

"I'm wearing khaki trousers."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I like shit jokes, not sure they come across well on a screen but...

 

Did you hear about the pea that fell of the plate?

 

It was an escapee.

 

 

Or

 

An Irishman went into a builder's yard to buy a ladder. The merchant asked "how long do you want it?"

 

"I want to keep it" replied the Irishman.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A genie has a magic slide...

 

The genie went and gathered three men. He told them that if they needed to simply say what they wished for while sliding down the slide and their wish would apepar at the end of the slide.

 

The first man went down and shouted "Money!" and landed in a pile of money.

 

The next man went down and shouted "Diamonds!" and landed in a pile of diamonds.

 

Finally, the third man went down. He wasn't as bright as the other two. He slid down and had so much fun he shouted "weeeee"....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

 

He said "Thanks"

 

I said "Don't mention it"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

 

It's mainly shift work.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I've been diagnosed with a fear of Giants

 

Feefiphobia.

 

Give it time I reckon MrCunny might turn up to liven it up a bit.

Edited by leather

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I set the bar so low with 'Bad Luck Obama' I'm finding it hard to come up with jokes shit enough.

 

What happened when the red ship hit the blue ship?

 

They got marooned.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A pirate goes to a doctor, worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.


"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."


The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!


Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is true.

Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Nottingham Forest, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" He asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Derby and they're shite and we can't be bothered".

Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Maradona goes out to play Derby by himself and the rest of the Forest team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows

"Forest 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Derby 0

He is beating Derby all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.

"Result from The City Ground, Nottingham Forest 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Derby County 1 (Martin 89 minutes)

They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Derby !! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"

"Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against The scum all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"

Maradonna says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I heard that years ago it was Collymore on his own, 3-0 up at half time then finished 3-1 which I think works better for several reasons not worth discussing.

 

Why did The Specials feel so bloated after their Chinese takeaway?

 

Too Much Foo Yung

Edited by Art Vandelay

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

What's the difference between a fava bean and a chickpea?

Not sure personally but I've never had a fava bean on my face.

 

 

:ph34r_anim:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Upcoming Events

  • Live championship table

  • Championship Live Scores

    Fctables
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.