Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
i.k.s

The official ''God I am dying'' & other illness's thread.

Recommended Posts

I have got 'bikers neck'. This is caused by your normally filthy dirty armoured jacket getting filthy dirty through the winter & I know it is now due for it's annual wash & reproofing. How? Because I have Mount bastard Vesuvius in a hair follicle. I feel like Quasi fucking modo. It is like four boils all joined up. Last night Hyacinth was stabbing it with a sterile needle, then my daughter popped round, boiled up a small glass bottle & place it over the volcano. As the glass cools down the steam contracts & pulls the flesh on your neck into the bottle. Honestly she let go of it & it just stayed there latched on like Lviv at the deli counter in Lidl's. The aim of this excercise is to draw all the pus & shit to the top & hopefully create a big whitehead in record time, then you just pop the fucker & mop up all the shit.

 

Anyway it never worked, so now I not only have a hump on my Gregory that looks like a saxon burial plot, but a fucking great lovebite from 'steam suction' I have walked about at work all morning with my collar up like Shaking fucking Stevens so none of the office sluts would stop fancying me. I am going to get Hyacith to cut it with a sterilised stanley blade tonight.

 

The fucker.

  • Downvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

and how you tittered when I had an olive on my leg a year ago

 

I do sympathise though - they kill the fuckers

  • Downvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you have a sebaceous cyst Andy. Yos had one on his back a few years ago which we had to surgically remove . The pus that came out was mindblowing , stank like a tramps vest . You have to remove the capsule at the base of the hair follicle or it will return even if you lance it .. Nasty bastards...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you have a sebaceous cyst Andy. Yos had one on his back a few years ago which we had to surgically remove . The pus that came out was mindblowing , stank like a tramps vest . You have to remove the capsule at the base of the hair follicle or it will return even if you lance it .. Nasty bastards...

I get one or two a year Col. Can't be helped if you ride everyday, it's all this keeping the wind out collars done up tight nonsense. Bit of witch hazel, sudocreme etc etc, soon sort it.

 

I'll be alright by next week

Edited by i.k.s
  • Downvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Has anyone else had a tooth pulled out as a grown up?

 

I remember having a couple of teeth pulled as a kid, no probs, couple of injections and a few seconds later the thing is out.

 

I had a tooth pulled out today and fucking hell it was quite summat. Half of it broke off on the way and the rest of the bastard took about half an hour to follow it. I had look in the dentist's little mirror halfway through and I was covered in sweat and the dentist was muttering summat about me probably having a dense jawbone. I wouldn't mind but me tooth wasn't even bad, it just cracked up the middle. :eh:

 

This fucker's gonna stay with me :lol: :lol:

 

I'm fucking starving an all but every time I try to eat me mouth starts gushing blood again. No matter, I could do with losing a pound or two.

Edited by Charlie Cheswick

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had one pulled when I was 22 Chesser.

 

Fucking Indian dentist scrimping on the anesthetic. He injected me, then after a few minutes touched the tooth with a metal prod and asked if I could feel it. I said yeah I can. **** says No Pain, No pain and dives in with the pliers. I felt everything. I was screaming and he kept saying No pain, No pain. That put me off dentists, but I had to have another tooth pulled a few years ago. I was shitting it, expecting it to hurt like a bitch. I'm sat in the chair, fists clenched ready for the pain to hit in, and before I know it the tooth's out and I didn't feel a thing.

 

Moral to the story? Sit in the chair, grab the dentist by the balls, and say "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Firstly, congrats all round for adding to an already established thread rather than starting ANOTHER BLOODY ONE!. .......unlike what baboons arsehole lips would've done. I've had three teeth pulled, its no big deal, the jab smarts doesn't it, but once it's numb it's alright. ...........just get on with it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like you have a sebaceous cyst Andy.

Thats what I thought Col.. Up here in the north we just get the missus to suck the pus out . Southern boys need doctors and nurses.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thats what I thought Col.. Up here in the north we just get the missus to suck the pus out . Southern boys need doctors and nurses.

 

The north starts at anything level with the bottom of Sheffield you fucking ignoramus.

 

EE9AADCC-DBC8-43CF-AA07-202CFF0D62B1_zps

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

The north starts at anything level with the bottom of Sheffield you fucking ignoramus.

 

EE9AADCC-DBC8-43CF-AA07-202CFF0D62B1_zps

 

 

The north starts at anything level with the bottom of Sheffield you fucking ignoramus.

 

EE9AADCC-DBC8-43CF-AA07-202CFF0D62B1_zps

Fuck off yer Welsh ****.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Firstly, congrats all round for adding to an already established thread rather than starting ANOTHER BLOODY ONE!. .......unlike what baboons arsehole lips would've done. I've had three teeth pulled, its no big deal, the jab smarts doesn't it, but once it's numb it's alright. ...........just get on with it.

 

I didn't feel the jabs to be honest, me dentist was good on that bit. All that aggro and he didn't even get all the tooth out, one of the roots snapped off so that's staying in apparently. Half an hour to take a fucking tooth out, it's usually about ten seconds int it? I'm really fucking hungry now.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I must stop swearing. Every single sentence I utter contains the 'F' word, even on here. I must behave better. Sorry to hijack the thread..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I have another boil on my leg again. Spiteful cunts they are

 

I am supposed to be lunching with Nigel Mansell and Damon Hill at the Goodwood festival of speed tomorrow yet I am creeping about like I have sharted and wincing every step

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This is my old boil poem from TRFF

 

Boil, Boil you are a **** by Jamie

 

Boil Boil you are a ****, why wont you puss and weep?

I have taken 20 painkillers and still cant fucking sleep

 

You are getting bigger every day, what the fucks the deal with you

Reddog said stab him with a needle and plank foot burn him with tyhpoo

 

But still you survive in anger all swollen sore and red,

You will never be my friend boil, i wish you was fucking dead

 

When you fought off my efforts to murder you, i will be honest my little heart sank

You punish me with every step I take, I cant even have a wank

 

Your are a spiteful red bald **** boil, a painfull poison sack.

I want to play golf sunday boil, so fuck off and dont come back

 

You are keeping me off work tomorrow boil because you are painful swollen and red,

 

But i will go A&E and then we will see as henry the 8th roared "off with his head"

Edited by E R

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Jamie , go to a pharmacy and buy a Kaolin Poultice . Follow the instructions to the letter . ( The hotter the better ) . It will draw out all the pus and rubbish better than anything else . Make sure you apply a sterile dressing over it .. Good luck ..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was tom dick Sunday morning. I'm fairly sure that drinking Guinness from 10 til midnight contributed to my dilemma.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was tom dick Sunday morning. I'm fairly sure that drinking Guinness from 10 til midnight contributed to my dilemma.

Somebody once bought me a pint of Guinness and Mild . it tasted like sick . How the fuck you can drink that stuff is beyond me,

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I was in Ulster in the summer I had to drink it as I believe in giving the local 'thing' a go. It tasted much better & I sank a fair few. Been on it ever since I came back. You can drink about 8 pints easy & still feel bang on.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guinness is amazing stuff.

 

I tried Dublin Porter while over in Dublin. It's basically Guiness flavoured beer. Refreshing and a bit sweeter. Only seen it in bottles over here. Anyway that's loveleh too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Guinness is wonder stuff. If I feel a bit rough from the day before I sink a couple of pints of the black stuff and feel right as rain again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

  • Upcoming Events

  • Live championship table

  • Championship Live Scores

    Fctables
×

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.