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martinwa

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About martinwa

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  • Birthday 09/20/1981

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  1. Koalas are fucking horrible animals. They have one of the smallest brain to body ratios of any mammal, additionally - their brains are smooth. A brain is folded to increase the surface area for neurons. If you present a koala with leaves plucked from a branch, laid on a flat surface, the koala will not recognise it as food. They are too thick to adapt their feeding behaviour to cope with change. In a room full of potential food, they can literally starve to death. This is not the token of an animal that is winning at life.
  2. Jack in the box coffin! At the funeral the casket is closed, but its rigged up to a pressure plate on the floor. When mourners walk close the coffin, they step on the pressure plate which triggers the casket to suddenly spring open triggering the confetti/glitter canon within which showers everyone within a 5 foot radius. The corpse is also inside the casket, which may or may not be on a pneumatic lift that causes the body to sit up right as the casket springs open,
  3. Infinite poop. You sit on the toilet to poop, but the poop never stops coming out of your butt. You have to start flushing the toilet every two minutes to keep up. You try to pinch your butt closed but that makes your insides hurt. The poop accelerates. You call 911. The paramedics call for doctors. The doctors call for specialists. The story trends on Twitter. You turn down talk show appearances. Your septic tank fails. People form a cult. Your toilet is finished. Volunteers arrive with buckets and shovels. You are completely used to the smell. The poop accelerates. You are moved to a stepladder with a hole in the top step. The poop accelerates. The shovelers abandon the buckets and shovel directly out the window. The poop accelerates. A candlelight vigil forms around your house. One of the workers falls over and can't free himself. The poop accelerates. A priest knocks over the stepladder and tackles you out the window. You land in the pile. The poop accelerates. The force now propels you forward and upward. Vigil goers grab at your legs. The poop ignites from their candles. The Facebook live event hits 1 million viewers. The poop accelerates. You are 30 feet in the air. The fire engulfs the vigil and your house. 60 feet. The poop accelerates. The torrent underneath you is deafening. 5 million Facebook live viewers. You try to close up shop but your butthole disintegrated long ago. 120 feet up. Your house explodes. The poop accelerates. 1000 feet. You are now tracked on radar. You try to change your angle of ascent but you should have thought of that way earlier. The poop accelerates. 4,000 feet. NORAD upgrades to DEFCON 3. Concentric circles of fire engulf your city. The poop accelerates. You have broken the sound barrier. 30,000 feet. You no longer take in enough oxygen to sustain consciousness. 60,000 feet. CNN is reporting on all the world records you've broken. 200,000 feet. You are no longer alive. The poop accelerates. Your body disintegrates but your poop contrail remains. NASA can no longer track you. You break the light-speed barrier and we can no longer bear witness. The poop accelerates. Forever.
  4. martinwa

    NFFC Rumours

    Take a look at this https://assets.digital.cabinet-office.gov.uk/media/547c71b1ed915d4c1000012d/Rema.pdf
  5. Go WILD with a birthday party at Colchester Zoo! With over 270 species to discover, exciting outdoor play areas, face painting, an array of animal encounters, the indoor soft play complex, Jungle Tumble, the chance to hand feed elephants and giraffes, ride the Lost Madagascar Express train and so much more, our birthday parties are outstanding value for money! What’s more, the birthday child gets to choose two amazing close up animal experiences!
  6. martinwa

    Fawaz 3 Years On

    Colchester Zoo Passes allow you to visit as many times as you like at great value! Visit more than twice a year and a Gold Pass will pay for itself! Whether it’s for the play areas, to see your favourite animal or even for afternoon tea, Colchester Zoo passes offer great fun all year round!
  7. Don't you hate it when you find what looks like a good film, put it on and find its in Russian\French\German\Esperanto? Tip of the day: If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.
  8. Where does everyone keep their keys when not in the door\their pocket. I have used a number of places over the years, including: On a table In a key cabinet Hanging from the bill of a wooden duck On a bureau Also, does anyone actually find either of the following two things funny any more: Meerkats Merchandise bearing the "Keep calm and *insert nonsensical crap here*
  9. Evening all Tonight for dinner I had pork curry. I was also told a story about a troll in an arm wrestling competition. Im too exhausted to pad out these facts into a story
  10. Its here... my first post since April 2010. I have baked a celebratory cake: So, in the time that has passed Forest have slumped back to a familiar pattern of self defeat. I have moved to Buckinghamshire and live with two fish. Me and my girlfriend have split up. I think what finally prompted this was my reluctance to put a photo of us inside a photo frame we purchased from Tunisia whilst on holiday. I liked the sample photo that came in it better. Perhaps I'll upload a picture of this later. My neighbour is one of those idiots who has a staggering amount of xmas lights on the outside of his house. Its ridiculous, but to make it worse someone tore down a huge section of them, and along with one of his glowing plastic snowmen chucked them on my front lawn. So this morning he knocks on my door at the crack of dawn (10am) to ask if I knew what had happened. I explained that no, it must have happened in the night. He looked at me suspiciously and kept saying "its very odd ISNT IT" in a voice that suggested I had committed the "crime", and then decided to taunt him by leaving the evidence in plain view of the world.
  11. Hello lads, haven't been on here for a while. Does anyone here watch Mock The Week? I have been trying to keep up with the new series but have to be honest and say it isn't the same without Frankie Boyle (although Hugh Dennis does a decent job) Also, it irritates me that the regular panel obviously get fed the topics before hand (and a few others such as Dave Mitchell) whilst the guests seem to be genuinely thinking on their feet. As a result the panel come across as comic geniuses whilst the guests appear rather amateur. I was discussing Frankie Boyle with a friend the other day, who said he was glad he had left MTW as "all he did was deliver one-liners". Anyone who has watched the show will understand that this is essentially what the entire show is about Evening all Insomniacs
  12. So here I am... the honeymoon period for me an Uni is over. Im stuck in the library at 3am typing up notes on IDS\IPS.... This will become a regular occurance I feel, so I should be back posting on this tread forthwith. Good evening all
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